3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
