Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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