the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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