My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
