I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think your dad took our porno
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
