i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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