hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
