when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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