Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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