Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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