Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
