After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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