you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The uberlube is also flammable
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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