I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
