So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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