Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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