walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
