I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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