woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
