1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize