I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
