I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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