separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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