just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize