He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
