My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
