And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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