please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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