I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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