I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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