He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
