Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
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