Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
