shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My cat gives me a boner
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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