i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
