So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize