I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
pop tarts are not kleenex
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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