but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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