my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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