I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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