fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
