so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
