Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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