I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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