i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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