its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
