1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
try to milk me bitch
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
