My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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