Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
