her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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