you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize