wanna go halves on a baby?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
