I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
