Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
