We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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