I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
