Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
