Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
