Me too!
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
